5 Simple Ways to Keep Skeptics Out of Church

The Bible clearly says in Mark 2:17 that Jesus came for those who know they are righteous (ok, it says the opposite, but we all know he didn't mean it). This all means that we must be careful to keep skeptics, atheists and the like out of the church.  After much research and even having to talk to some of these godless heathens, I have some simple tips to help you keep them far away from the church and even farther from God.  

1. Talk as if there is one, unanimous Christian viewpoint on controversial issues. There is only one way to think as a Christian.  There is only one right viewpoint on controversial issues, and it just so happens that the one correct viewpoint is your own.  After all, if you were incorrect, you would change your mind.  When a skeptic points out that there are other Christians who disagree with you make sure to remind them that those people have been led astray and probably aren’t real Christians anyway.
2. Make sure they know how horrible they are.  The “image of God” stuff is in like only a handful of verses in the Bible and is totally overplayed (and far too attractive to these contagious little-faithers).  You need to concentrate on how horrible, depraved and broken they are.  Make sure before you end any conversation with someone who is skeptical or non-believing that they know they are a sinner and will burn forever in a literal fire.
3. Don’t actually listen or respond to them.  If you respond to them, that just validates that they have something to contribute to the world. Sure, they may make a credible point that should be considered, but that danger is precisely why you should do your best to look interested while ignoring them by thinking about what you are going to say next.
4. Remember APSAR (Always Pit Science Against Religion).  This probably should have been number one.  Modern science is possibly the worst thing that has happened to humanity.  Not only has it cured many of the ways God used to smite people, but it has tried to help us understand how everything works.  That is bad.  These people are usually highly logical with a mind for data, and acting as if science might have something to contribute to the world or that you might be able to believe science and Jesus could break through and make them consider faith once again.  If they give you data, respond to it with Biblical poetry or see #3.
5. Whatever you do, never trust the Holy Spirit to save them. Sure, the Bible says that it is the role of the Spirit to call them back to God and unleash the sanctifying grace of God in their hearts, but we all know he generally takes his precious time.  No matter if you met them for the first time a moment ago, do not finish any conversation without reviewing the plan of salvation with them.  Do not take time to build a relationship.  Do not take time to earn their respect because those things make it more likely for them to respond in a positive way.  Cut to the chase and make the move for salvation.

I hope this helps you.  If we are able to do this, we could possibly keep all these weirdos out of the church.  Since society is moving more in this direction it may mean the church is gone in thirty years, but that will give us plenty of time to rearrange the chairs on the Titanic.  After all, you know how important straight rows of chairs are to God. 

Disclaimer: Please note the use of sarcasm in tips 1-5.

Question for Comment: What Tips did I Miss?

>>>Read More: Why Science Causes People to Leave the Faith (and how to fix it)